There is an outside world and an inside world in everyone. My outside world here is filled to the brim with new adventures with the kids, evenings of watching the sunset on the beach with friends, arranging our new house into a space that feels like home. It is in one word...heaven.
My inside world has been full of motion. Not the happy, swirly motion that comes with life changes; but the shifting, sliding motion that comes with doubts and the necessary redefining and reshaping of life goals.
Maybe it's the light I've been basking in lately that made me soft, or maybe it's the number forty creeping up on me, or maybe it was the one rejection that really bumped me off my horse for the first time...the rejection from the agent I met in person. No big deal, I know. It happens more often than not. I think it's all of these things combined that created this internal shift, this internal doubt that I can be a writer. A writer good enough that other people want to read, to pay for, that is.
So, I finally asked myself this: At the end of your life, if you have not achieved the goal of being good enough to get published, will you be okay with that? Will you be okay with just knowing you tried your best?
At seriously considering this question, something rose up violently within me, something with teeth and claws that was ready for war, and screamed, HELL NO! And then just for good measure, ARE YOU CRAZY?
Not a nice person, this ambitious me. But, I did learn something from my own reaction that I wanted to share and that is, I don't believe people when they say they've tried their best and failed. I don't believe if I really try my best, I will fail. It's not possible. There is too much potential in all of us to fail at something we really, truly throw our hearts and souls into. Or to say it a less negative way:
I believe in me. I believe in YOU.
I used to believe that you didn't fail until you stopped trying. I no longer believe that's good enough. You fail when you don't try hard enough. It's like exercising-- you can plop your butt down on a bike and peddle for a few minutes, just long enough to fool yourself into believing you're trying, and then wonder why you're not seeing results. Or you can step up your effort...do whatever it takes to see results, to see change. Then failure is not an option. You will succeed.
I cannot imagine looking back on my life and not reaching this goal. It is engrained in my vision of my life; it is not possible to remove it and it still be my life. But, I also know that it is all up to me. It is all up to how much I'm willing to do, how much effort I'm willing to put into learning and growing until the shape and size of my life matches the shape and size of my vision.
I will not be giving that up today. Today I will write.
How about you?