Saturday, December 29, 2007
Once again, a new year waits patiently for us to arrive. Or, at least that's how I've felt lately. I keep watching it out of the corner of my eye, ever aware of its presence. It's like the wise father with a knowing smile holding the door open, waiting for the child to come in from playing.
I didn't feel this last year, this pulling, this anxiousness to step over that thick black line we've slashed in time, allowing for fresh perspectives, new resolutions...fresh starts. I also feel a pull toward not just writing, but finishing what I've started. It's time to focus.
I've decided to give myself a deadline, which has always been a four letter word for me, but I'm feeling ready for a new approach. I'm giving myself three months to finish my novel. I will have to write about two pages a day to meet this goal and being a slow writer, this is definitely a challenge.
Unfortunately, this need to focus all my time and energy in one place means that I will be taking a hiatus from writing here. I'll still visit those of you that have become my connection, my life lines in the solitude, my friends and co-conspirators in this crazy writing business.
New beginnings, new loves, new experiences and successes to you all!
Happy New Year & I'll see you soon!
Monday, December 10, 2007
I know I've been quiet here lately. Quiet and getting quieter. Unfortunately, I think it's my response to outside activity increasing. The holidays. The family. The upcoming travel plans. It's all overwhelming. The noise levels are too high, the lights are too bright, the expectations of fun and happiness are too much. I feel like a startled rabbit ready to bolt to a dark corner at any moment. Can you say introvert, anyone?
So, going inward because outward is feeling very toxic, I started wondering what exactly do the holidays mean to me?
I know some of my friends use this time to celebrate the birth of Christ, some use it to celebrate Hanukkah, some just to be with family or try to find some meaning within their family's traditions. I get it, I feel the excitement for them, but I also feel a bit like I'm watching all this from a window and it isn't touching me.
Growing up, my family had traditions--yes, but my family is now defunct; each in their own space rebuilding their lives with different people. So, it is up to me to salvage what traditions I deem important and meaningful and integrate them into the family I have made.
What do I deem important? I don't know. What the freak does this holiday season even mean to me? I don't know anymore. I mean, let's break down Christmas: The date of December 25th stems from the feast of the Son of Isis, St. Nicholas is a borrowed idea from the patron saint of Russia and the Christmas tree was considered a pagan symbol until the 16th century Catholic church was kind enough to wave in it. It's a smorgasbord of cultural customs and beliefs that have nothing to do with mine.
In order to not feel like a fraud for covering our entire house, fence, shed and dog in blinking colored lights, I had to find meaning. Meaning on a deadline. Not too difficult, right?
Luckily, today the temperatures climbed to the mid-70's here and I found a starting point in my quest. Today was a reprieve, a much needed unthawing from the shocking thirty degree weather last week. Being able to sit outside and feel the sun warming my skin was truly a gift, a break, a holiday from the emotional struggle cold weather brings for me.
This word kept sticking in my mind.
It's a vacation, a break from work, from the struggle of day to day things. It's a sanctioned rest. This is something I can relate to, something I can get excited about. A holiday.
So, this is what I'm building on. This notion of a holiday.
It is beginning to feel a lot like peace.
So, that is what I wish for you all, no matter what you are celebrating this month...that you find rest, stillness and peace.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
I kissed you today and smelled strawberries in your hair. I watched you pause to point at the sliver of cotton in the sky and declare it a ‘moom’. I heard your babbles and private language mingle with whatever birds warble as the sun sets.
And as the sun sank, I saw the blue deepen into the same hue as your eyes. The sky was your precious face fading from this familiar blue into the pale peach light glowing from your cheeks. These colors, these sounds that make you inseparable from nature are no coincidence. They are promises, gifts, and little whispers from mother earth that you are also her child and she will cradle you and comfort you when I cannot.